Holiday Review 5- Introspection

Part of the unsettling experience of going home is the discrepancy between the me of six months ago and the me of now. It was greatest around my friends for what I think are issues of maturity and because I'm at a different state in my life. Bachelorhood has been left behind. More than that, I'm trying to incorporate the Rule of Benedict into my everyday life and it is sometimes dissonant with life as I live it.

You know those cartoons that show a devil and an angel on one's shoulders? I'm growing a St. Benedict and I try to view my life and actions through the Rule.

Over the break, I found myself angry at my inability to conquer my outward arrogance, an arrogance that those most close to me know to be a facade anyway a facade that covers some minor self-esteem issues. I'm too arrogant about my own knowledge of Christianity (still so incomplete) and I when I should remain silent until asked, I lecture. So, I'm working on tearing down a facade of unearned arrogance. I want to replace it with a humility that is both comfortable and accommodating to others. I've made progress, but part of going home seemed to unconsciously regaining the old habit of showing my ass.

That is not the only thing I need to work on. I talk a good game about the Christian duty to the poor, but I'm trying to deprogram myself of my accumulated sense of who is deserving of help and who is not. Today I was given an opportunity to see how far I still have to go.

Our service was over today and as I was locking up with Gil and waiting for a friend to finish choir practice, we met a man at the door of the church. Gil opened the door that he was blocking, trying to stay dry, out of the rain storm that has threatened all day. The bottom had fallen out of the clouds and the rain was coming down. Gil asked him if he needed help; he responded that he needed a new life. Gil invited him in and excused himself to collect something for the man (James, originally from Michigan, homeless, hoping for a temporary job bricklaying and registered with a local labor service).

I helped him roll up his large sleeping bag and as we were standing there the little Saint Benedict in my head started talking.

---You don't need your umbrella. You have a car and you've been considerably wetter for longer periods of time than an uncovered walk to the car will make you. Give it up.---

He asked if I had a few dollars and I said no. I had given all the cash I had at the offertory, but I told him GIl might be able to provide some. On cue Gil walks in with a bit of cash and a bag containing various easy-to-carry snacks and drinks. He asked Gil to pray with him; I silently joined from the background that I retreated to. Gil then offered to let him stay until the choir practice was over, warm and dry. He accepted and planted himself in the narthex to drink what had been provided. I stepped into the chapel close by; I thought I'd do the rosary while I waited for my friend to finish choir. St. Benedict returned.

---Why in God's name are you in here practicing some form of personal piety when you have a mission to that man! YOU HAVE SEVEN DOLLARS IN YOUR POCKET!!---

I did. I had kept it separate from what I was offering in church and honestly had forgotten that I had it. I rarely carry cash. I immediately walked out and gave it to James. I wish I could have done more. I frequently feel a sense of impotence in the face of many of the hard problems people have. At least in Mobile I knew some shelters but at the moment I know nothing about this area that I am in.

So I did a little, and I have a long way to go. It makes me mindful of how I have just started on a journey with neomonasticism and the distance I must go.

Holiday Review 4- Saying Goodbye

I have two great aunts. Both have been on this Earth for more than 90 years. Both are ready to leave. When they said goodbye to me over the break, it wasn’t the “see you next time” goodbye, it was the “see you on the other side” goodbye. It was very close to those exact words. We were at my parent’s house after lunch and doing the gift exchange.

One of them, the older of the two (Nellie), well, I hadn’t been prepared for how much she had deteriorated in my absence. She can no longer hold up her head when she is standing. It was at my parent’s house that she started saying her goodbyes, she in a recliner lying down and I at her side kneeling. There was nothing for me to say. Anything would seem trite. I did what I could and I’m not sure how to explain what I did. I held one her hands, kept my other on her head, kept eye contact and…exuded as much love as I could muster.

Watching my priests I’ve learned that there are times when words fail and that I should be comfortable with not having to resort to mere words. Mary hugged me before my wedding and I felt a strength and love that mere words failed to convey; Gil simply sat and listened as I talked of my Grandmother when he took me through the burial rite, and I felt a comfort and a closure that I would lack without presence. Presence is underrated and perhaps it should be more often distinguished from mere closeness.

We should have been walking out. We had two other households to visit that day but I couldn’t bring myself to go until I felt excused by her; I was with her for 15 minutes and it seemed to be just me and her in that house. At times everyone else was completely blocked out. My mother couldn’t hear anything that was going on between us, but she said my aunt looked more at peace than she had been in a long time. I left her with a blessing.

…And then there was the younger aunt (Mable), who was struck speechless (and she is not often speechless) by my incredibly simple gift.

What could I have said? “Keep fighting!”? No, that just shows my own selfishness. Part of my silence was to avoid saying “go with God.” They want to go home and they are both occupied with thinking about Heaven (whatever that actually is). Their own apparent eagerness to leave this world shows me how I should feel about their own passing when it happens: joy. I’ll be pained, certainly. But I can imagine their joy and I am strengthened.

Holiday Review 2- The Clergy

Before I start what will either be an incredibly long post or a series of smaller posts about the break, I want to start with two meetings I had with priests in Tempe, AZ and Mobile, AL.

I met with Gil on the Tuesday before I left for Mobile. It was our first spiritual direction session and he asked what I wanted to get out of spiritual direction. At the moment I’m looking for more confidence in what Marcus Borg calls the “emerging paradigm” in Christianity. Knowing that I’d be in Mobile for the next few weeks, Gil suggested that I add nothing else to my disciplines, but to see simply see if I could maintain what I do. He also suggested a few exercises in concept mapping to solidify what I think about different aspects of Christianity. I have not done so yet; I had no peace to do so over the break. I will start this soon. Later that week he also loaned me a book by Susan Howatch called Glamorous Powers. The book is a fictional work about a priest (an ex-monk) in the Church of England. I immensely enjoyed reading it over the break.

He also suggested that I meet with Jim and Mary (not knowing I had already made an appointment) as a way of getting people who had known me longer than he in on the priesthood conversation.

I could not wait to meet with Jim and Mary when I arrived in Mobile. They had also made themselves available to me when I wanted to talk about Christianity or theology, assisted in my confirmation, and married me and Laura. Thus, they have played a major role in my spiritual formation.

I expected the meeting to a take an hour; it lasted for two. From the meeting I gained the following:

1. My sense of disconnect from the secularization of the world was affirmed.
2. Don’t be afraid of counseling if Laura and I need it when the time for hard decisions comes.
3. If possible, go to seminary for the full three years. Alternative ordination may get me ordained sooner, but they both sense that I’d better serve parishioners by living the rhythm of seminary. This seems based on Jim’s sense that we are kindred spirits in academic settings and will love the immersion in study and worship; I think he is right.
4. Take the affirmations of my calling seriously. Both Jim and Mary said that my sense of calling does not surprise them; they felt it had been coming since the weekend of my confirmation. So far, everyone whose spiritual life I trust has affirmed this call. Also, about fifteen minutes after Jim recommended taking affirmations seriously, Kathy (my student teaching mentor) stuck her head in the office, saw me, and asked “Are you going to seminary yet?” Jim looked at me and said, “That’s the affirmation I was talking about.”
5. Be aware of the increased sense of poignancy in everyday life (it took hearing this to realize that it has already been going on).
6. Vary the liturgy.
7. Build my library. I left with book recommendations. BTW, Laura’s grandfather is sending me a box of books on theology and exegesis.
8. Don’t fret that I wasn’t ready to respond to the call until now or that I didn’t see something that others apparently did.
9. God sometimes has an unscrupulous sense of humor and I’ll be thrown curveballs occasionally.
10. The work is hard, but very rewarding (kind of like teaching).

After two hours, I thanked them for their time. They saw me in the middle of preparations for the Christmas services, a very busy time from which to take two hours. Before I left the church I stepped into the chapel to do my Noonday prayers and left with a sense of peace. The meeting is still fairly foremost in my thoughts even now.

Unsettled- holiday review 1

I'm back in Mesa and I'm reflecting on the trip home over the holidays. There were no unpleasant experiences to mention but I spent quite a bit of time in an emotionally and spiritually unsettled state. No single event sent me into a slump; it was the totality of a few things.

One reason for the slump was a change in routine, actually, it was the lack of a routine. To compare:

My disciplines in Mesa

1. daily reading from the Rule of Benedict
2. two weekly Eucharists, sometimes three
3. the Daily Lectionary (sometimes playing catch-up if I miss a day)
4. Tuesday Noonday Prayers
5. Church/ Theology related reading
6. Rosary/meditation about 5 times a week

My Disciplines in Mobile

1. daily reading from the Rule of Benedict
2. one weekly Eucharist
3. the Daily Lectionary, but only half of the days
   
4. Tuesday Noonday Prayers
5. Church/ Theology related reading / one wonderful fiction
   
6. Rosary/ meditation once the entire trip
   

It was to be expected that the routine I have would be hard to keep. I apparently do a lot at the daily level. I had obligations and demands on my time from friends and family that took some of the time I would spend in my disciplines. I don't regret any moment with my loved ones though. The situation was what it was. I wasn't about to tell the people that loved that I required at least 30 minutes a day in solitude. I at least faithfully kept to the requirements of St. Brigid's Community.

Other reasons for my unsettled nature

1. My conversation with Jim and Mary
2. The growing gap between me and my friends at home
3. I was expecting a theological showdown that did not happen
4. I'm displeased with my own lack of humility
5. Being given a final goodbye by my great-aunts
6. My sister doubting the sincerity of the Anglican style of worship. I expected this and I appreciate her honesty, though I dislike the implication that I am locked in a dead style of worship.

The next few posts will deal with the above in detail.