Candles

I've always liked candles, perhaps that's why I have been so quick to pick up on using them in worship (a sentiment that almost sounds heretical or Pagan to Baptist ears).
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One order of evening service in the BCP begins with a darkened church. The officiant says:

Almighty God, we give you thanks for surrounding us, as daylight fades, with the brightness of the vesper light; and we implore you of your great mercy that, as you enfold us with the radiance of this light, so you would shine into our hearts the brightness of your Holy Spirit; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

The candles are then lit in the church.
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A priest once told me of how one time, when he was in seminary, he and the other students had prepared for performing the service carefully, but as they started the procession their professor yelled out "STOP!!!!!"

Pointing to the altar, the professor said something to the effect of, "The candles are not lit! God isn't here!"
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In a similar vein, some people at the church at which I serve do not leave their pews until the altar and office candles are extinguished after the service.
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Every Mardi Gras, my grandmother (Roman Catholic) lit a candle at her church for my father; it was a prayer for protection during the most stressful time of year for the Mobile Police Department.
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Fire holds a special place in many religious rites and traditions, signifying presence, purity, etc.

I've begun using them in my own daily prayers for a sense of presence, but also for vigils. I light them both at church and at home to remind me of those for which I constantly offer prayers.

The candle bank at St. A's.


My little prayer corner at home. The woven cross is the cross of Saint Brigid of Ireland, my patron.

If you would ever like prayers offered or a candle lit, just let me know.

Calling

Two Sundays ago in the lectionary was story of Samuel's call to serve God. Calling is frequently the theme for the sermons on that particular Sunday and All Saints' in Mobile and St. A's in Tempe were no exceptions.

From Rev. Mary

“How do you know you are called to be a priest?” You will have to answer that very question or some variation of it more times than you can count. There’s the Bishop. Every person on the Commission on Ministry. Friends. People at church you know well, and people you hardly know at all. The psychologist you have to talk to as part of the entrance requirements for seminary. Every member of the faculty, every semester, for your evaluation. The psychologist you have to talk to as part of the graduation requirements to get out of seminary. The Commission on Ministry when they approve you for ordination. The priest and maybe the Vestry at your first job. Almost every job after that...When I was asked the question for the first time, I stumbled through what I thought was a totally inadequate explanation of my call, but with only slight deviation from my first answer, I have said the same thing for the last 33 years – sure I am doing what I should be doing, but not really sure how I know it.

From Rev. Gil

...We, the community, are the incarnation of God in the world the Church is the presence of God’s action in the world. The community calls people out for service. The Church calls people out for service. Just this week the Commission on Ministry in our Diocese affirmed our community in hearing that one of our own is called out to be Deacon, God willing... Not only does the Church call out people to be Bishops, priests and deacons, but also all of us are called into the priesthood of all believers. We are all called to serve the altar and care for the people of our community. God continues to call.

I am trying to answer the Question (capital Q) Mary mentioned: “How do you know you are called to be a priest?”

I don't exactly know. It isn't a very reassuring answer to give, especially when something so otherworldy could have profound consequences on the lives of me and my wife. I certainly identify with Mary when she says her answers at first felt inadequate.

Still I think I've closed in on one aspect of why I feel called. I feel what seems to be a irrepressible draw to the Altar, which feels a bit like walking a labyrinth. It started with me, in my childhood, bi-yearly sitting in a Baptist church with a small piece of bread (a Christ-chex looking-thingie) and a shot glass of grape juice, to my first Communion in an Episcopal church (Dec. 24, 2006) which started my weekly partaking, to bringing forth the element at my Confirmation (Nov. 4, 2007), to serving the altar at St. A's and taking Communion at least twice (frequently thrice) a week. I feel more complete on God's side of the rail even though I'm still not quite sure what happens there. I want to be closer still, but I'm as far as I can go without taking Orders in this Church.

(I think part of my discomfort at being home over the holiday was that I missed such frequent Communion. I don't know an Episcopal priest high-church enough to hold daily Eucharist, and I can't commune in a RC Church.)

It isn't just Communion either, I also think highly of the other six sacraments of the Church. That will be another post.

I know there is much more to the vocation of priest and I feel ready to take on those duties, but I find the sacramental nature of the work very attractive.

A prayer for our new President from the BCP.

"O Lord, our Governor, whose glory is in all the world: We commend this
nation to your merciful care, that, being guided by your Providence, we may
dwell secure in your peace. Grant to the President of the United States,
Barack Obama, wisdom and strength to know and to your will. Fill him with
the love of truth and righteousness, and make him ever mindful of his
calling to serve the people; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen."

Sunday was Bishop Gene Robinson's invocation during the pre-show of Obama's inauguration. I've linked it below.


A transcript is here...and if it sounds familiar, he riffed off of a Franciscan blessing I've posted here.

Well done, + Gene.
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Yesterday, a friend of mine got to explain explain Martin Luther King Day to her 8 and 10 year old children with a bonus of putting Obama's inauguration in that context.

I listened to the full "I Have a Dream" speech, once again with the bittersweet realization that we have come so far but still have far to go. It, to me, somewhat functions as a checklist.

NPR had a wonderful interview with Joseph Lowery. I was touched.
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Also yesterday, St. Brigid's Community held a service event that we had planned through Obama's day of service website. We participate in IHELP, which is a coalition of Tempe churches to provide food and lodging for the homeless every night of the month. We are slotted 4th Fridays. Our service was to set up as a drop-off point and collect food and clothing for both IHELP and for St. Matthew's food bank.

In four hours, we collected, by conservative estimate, 1,000 lbs of food and 500 lbs of clothes. Just about everyone that came in to give wanted to know more about IHELP, some wanted a greater involvement. We'll probably ask those who signed up via the website if they wish to be put on a listserv about our part of the program, and maybe more about St. Brigid's.

A comparison was made to George Bush and his lack of asking us to service and Obama's calls to service. One person couldn't think of anything Bush had done but to call us to more shopping after 9/11. I respectfully begged correction. Bush's at least had the rhetoric, particularly in the first inaugural address. It might be more accurate to say that Obama is more serious in a call to service and made it so easy to help by networking people with events to people who wanted to participate.

But it also occurred to me that Bush called for people to pray more than he called people to service. Thing is, in this life and world we are all God has got. If we do not actively feed, quench, clothe, visit, and comfort, then who the hell will?

But in the end, I'm 1,500 lbs closer to realizing the Kingdom of Heaven than I would have been if I had simply hit my knees to utter words.


"Preach the Gospel at all times and when necessary use words."
St. Francis of Assisi

On privilege

2002

I'm sitting in the office of the civilian campus recruiter of North Georgia College and State University. We are discussing my future: the army, my degree, the classes I'll have to take to get up to speed since a regular Alabama high school diploma just doesn't cut it. Then came the conversation that only white males get to have with other white males.

"Robert, in looking over your paperwork I am not sure you should simply get a degree in criminal justice. In this world, you have two marks against you when it comes to employment: you are white and you are male. This means that law enforcement agencies looking to hire you will pass you over immediately for a minority or a woman with the same degree. You need to try finance or something that will make you more valuable to an agency...something with analysis."

I now wonder what he told minorities and women he recruited.

Such was the reality of living in the South, and I an uncomfortable participant. White people are quick to say that affirmative action is unfair. Many white people in the South hold the conversation. They have an anecdote of some unqualified minority or woman gaining a promotion over a more qualified person. They believe there is some type of quota system (and there isn't). But when one listens to the conversation, facts emerge and go by without comment. I was essentially told that my privilege was lessening, so I would have to work harder. It is an implicit acknowledgment of a privilege that many are quick to claim does not exist. Also, the very fact we had the discussion shows that there is an unorganized conspiracy of trying to maintain power. White males are not given a card to carry, but many feel safe conversing in the above fashion.


2009

I'm sitting with my priest, discussing the future: possibly ordination, Laura's thoughts and feelings, how the process works. Then came the conversation thathonest white males should have more often.

"In getting ordained, you unfortunately have two things going for you. You are white and you are male. That means that a congregation may consider you to be a safer pick than someone who is out, or a woman, or a minority. You look like what people expect a priest to look like. It is lamentable in the church and we are getting better at this, but the fact is that the bishop will have an easier time placing you somewhere than he would with others."

As lamentable as it is that the Church is slow to fully welcome its members (I mean ordination and vestry, full participation in the life and work of God), the conversation is now getting closer-to-honest. We are acknowledging the problem, and we can now work on distributing the authority instead of conspiring to keep power in a gentrified, white, male hierarchy. It is a faint glimmer of hope that the church can positively act as a counter to a culture infatuated with power.

The Episcopal Church will be holding its General Convention this year. Of those going, there are

• more females (among the clergy an all-time high)
• more deputies of color
• more out lgbts.
  

But it is still a long way to go.

In which right-wing Christians manufacture a false crisis

In South Carolina, there is a row over a license plate. This license plate:

A judge has ordered an immediate end to production of this license plate. Now, conservative Christians in South Carolina are up in arms and actively damning the judge and the ACLU to hell.

Red-faced and angry, shaking his fist alongside his Bible, [Rev. Arnold] Hiette told the congregation [assembled at a Baptist church] that the four complainants - especially the Unitarian - and one judge who took away the people's right to witness via their vehicle tags "along with the ACLU, they're going to burn in hell."

Well, isn't that precious? Here is why I think this issue is complete and utter bullshit. The license tag was originally created by an act of the State Legislature, which brings up an issue with the separation of church and state. The creation of the license tag by the legislature was deemed improper. I think the judge's ruling was correct.

The good news for the folks that want this license tag is that they can go through the SC DMV and get it made with no problem; they just need to find an organization to sponsor the tag and find 300 people to pledge to buy the tag. If you're interested, here are the full guidelines. It took me about three minutes to find them via Google.

But that is not good enough, and it seems clear to me that the issue is not whether people can "witness via their car tags." Since I could find the guidelines from the SC DMV so quickly, I'm left wondering if everyone who wants the tag is profoundly ignorant of the bureaucracy or if they simply want a legal battle based on the principle that the government should officially make it, tag be damned. The news article makes it clear that they want to challenge the court injunction. In other words, they aren't looking to get the tag made, they want to fight so that the state will mandate the production of the tags. I wonder how many people could be fed and clothed with the money these Christians will waste on a court battle that needs not be fought since there is another way to get that damn car tag made.

And I'm troubled, but not surprised, that these Christians seem content to use their religious faith as a weapon in a culture war.

By the way, South Carolina does have an "In God We Trust" tag, so the anti-Christian argument is difficult to maintain.

Holiday Review 5- Introspection

Part of the unsettling experience of going home is the discrepancy between the me of six months ago and the me of now. It was greatest around my friends for what I think are issues of maturity and because I'm at a different state in my life. Bachelorhood has been left behind. More than that, I'm trying to incorporate the Rule of Benedict into my everyday life and it is sometimes dissonant with life as I live it.

You know those cartoons that show a devil and an angel on one's shoulders? I'm growing a St. Benedict and I try to view my life and actions through the Rule.

Over the break, I found myself angry at my inability to conquer my outward arrogance, an arrogance that those most close to me know to be a facade anyway a facade that covers some minor self-esteem issues. I'm too arrogant about my own knowledge of Christianity (still so incomplete) and I when I should remain silent until asked, I lecture. So, I'm working on tearing down a facade of unearned arrogance. I want to replace it with a humility that is both comfortable and accommodating to others. I've made progress, but part of going home seemed to unconsciously regaining the old habit of showing my ass.

That is not the only thing I need to work on. I talk a good game about the Christian duty to the poor, but I'm trying to deprogram myself of my accumulated sense of who is deserving of help and who is not. Today I was given an opportunity to see how far I still have to go.

Our service was over today and as I was locking up with Gil and waiting for a friend to finish choir practice, we met a man at the door of the church. Gil opened the door that he was blocking, trying to stay dry, out of the rain storm that has threatened all day. The bottom had fallen out of the clouds and the rain was coming down. Gil asked him if he needed help; he responded that he needed a new life. Gil invited him in and excused himself to collect something for the man (James, originally from Michigan, homeless, hoping for a temporary job bricklaying and registered with a local labor service).

I helped him roll up his large sleeping bag and as we were standing there the little Saint Benedict in my head started talking.

---You don't need your umbrella. You have a car and you've been considerably wetter for longer periods of time than an uncovered walk to the car will make you. Give it up.---

He asked if I had a few dollars and I said no. I had given all the cash I had at the offertory, but I told him GIl might be able to provide some. On cue Gil walks in with a bit of cash and a bag containing various easy-to-carry snacks and drinks. He asked Gil to pray with him; I silently joined from the background that I retreated to. Gil then offered to let him stay until the choir practice was over, warm and dry. He accepted and planted himself in the narthex to drink what had been provided. I stepped into the chapel close by; I thought I'd do the rosary while I waited for my friend to finish choir. St. Benedict returned.

---Why in God's name are you in here practicing some form of personal piety when you have a mission to that man! YOU HAVE SEVEN DOLLARS IN YOUR POCKET!!---

I did. I had kept it separate from what I was offering in church and honestly had forgotten that I had it. I rarely carry cash. I immediately walked out and gave it to James. I wish I could have done more. I frequently feel a sense of impotence in the face of many of the hard problems people have. At least in Mobile I knew some shelters but at the moment I know nothing about this area that I am in.

So I did a little, and I have a long way to go. It makes me mindful of how I have just started on a journey with neomonasticism and the distance I must go.

Holiday Review 4- Saying Goodbye

I have two great aunts. Both have been on this Earth for more than 90 years. Both are ready to leave. When they said goodbye to me over the break, it wasn’t the “see you next time” goodbye, it was the “see you on the other side” goodbye. It was very close to those exact words. We were at my parent’s house after lunch and doing the gift exchange.

One of them, the older of the two (Nellie), well, I hadn’t been prepared for how much she had deteriorated in my absence. She can no longer hold up her head when she is standing. It was at my parent’s house that she started saying her goodbyes, she in a recliner lying down and I at her side kneeling. There was nothing for me to say. Anything would seem trite. I did what I could and I’m not sure how to explain what I did. I held one her hands, kept my other on her head, kept eye contact and…exuded as much love as I could muster.

Watching my priests I’ve learned that there are times when words fail and that I should be comfortable with not having to resort to mere words. Mary hugged me before my wedding and I felt a strength and love that mere words failed to convey; Gil simply sat and listened as I talked of my Grandmother when he took me through the burial rite, and I felt a comfort and a closure that I would lack without presence. Presence is underrated and perhaps it should be more often distinguished from mere closeness.

We should have been walking out. We had two other households to visit that day but I couldn’t bring myself to go until I felt excused by her; I was with her for 15 minutes and it seemed to be just me and her in that house. At times everyone else was completely blocked out. My mother couldn’t hear anything that was going on between us, but she said my aunt looked more at peace than she had been in a long time. I left her with a blessing.

…And then there was the younger aunt (Mable), who was struck speechless (and she is not often speechless) by my incredibly simple gift.

What could I have said? “Keep fighting!”? No, that just shows my own selfishness. Part of my silence was to avoid saying “go with God.” They want to go home and they are both occupied with thinking about Heaven (whatever that actually is). Their own apparent eagerness to leave this world shows me how I should feel about their own passing when it happens: joy. I’ll be pained, certainly. But I can imagine their joy and I am strengthened.

Holiday Review 3- The Friends and Family

I need to give a disclaimer. I love my family and friends greatly. I don’t want to give the impression that there is some sort of great divide or sense of conflict. There is not. It is also certainly not the case that I get or return anything but unconditional love to my friends and family. Now that that is done…

I’m getting a growing sense of distance friends due to what I perceive to be a greater amount of maturity on my part. I’m a married man now, but even before then my friends were doing things that I would not join them in. I’ve never had any real desire to drink until the sun rises, and I am a man of quiet habits.

The most distressing event over the break in this respect was a night out with a few friends and my sister and her husband. We were going out, when a friend, whom I’ll call Ed, offered to drive. While I don’t have a squeaky clean driving record, his driving has scared me in the past. I offered to drive, to which he replied that his driving had improved. This was without me mentioning my dis-ease with his skills. I took his word for it only to be disappointed. I don’t remember him being so reckless. He was going 65 mph in a curvy 40 mph zone, passing without using a blinker and straddling the lane line. If it had been only me, I’d be slightly annoyed, but my wife was with me and I was quietly outraged. We were able to leave the festivities with my sister’s ride, avoiding riding with him again. I’ll not ride with him again.

Since I’m thinking about priesthood, I was often invited to give blessing at meals, including the big Christmas lunch. I did so, giving thanks for the food, friends and family, and a remembrance for those less fortunate. As soon as I was done with my direct 30-second-long blessing, a friend admonished me to keep it under five seconds. My Mom told him to not be flippant and I let it roll off since it was a joke; he wasn’t the only one in the room and others needed to hear it for a variety of reasons even if it inconvenienced him.

Maturity aside, another reason for a growing distance my family, friends and me is my immersion in a different denomination. I almost speak another language with the Episcopal Church. My Mom has asked if we have an “Episcopal Bible” and she has asked me about saints, particularly my patrons. I can’t really explain the intricacies of trying to be a monastic to her since the concept is pretty foreign in the Baptist denomination. It is a completely new vocabulary. Dad gets a little bit of it with his Catholic background.

My family joined us for the Sunday after Christmas. Yay, baptisms! It was a good service but I prepared myself for what I saw coming. I came home apprehensive about a possible theological showdown. Would I have to defend progressive Christianity? I didn’t really. But my sister did mention, at my asking, doubt in the sincerity of the Anglican style of worship. I expected this and I appreciate her honesty, though I dislike the implication that I am locked in a dead style of worship. I understand, though, that the formal liturgy does not work for some. What she didn’t know was that there were probably some in the congregation that were not totally pleased with the wording of the service. Jim and Mary were using a West Syrian Rite from the 4^th Century instead of the standard Eucharistic prayers from the Book of Common Prayer; they had the bishop’s approval. So, my sister (a Baptist) saw dead ritual where some long-time Episcopalians may have seen an aberration from the rubric. God speaks different languages.

The greatest surprise on the family/theology front was that the only thing my mom says that she did not agree with is actually in the Nicene Creed! The line is “I believe in the holy, catholic, and apostolic Church…” When she reads small-c catholic, she thinks Roman Catholic instead of “universal,” as the word is actually meant. She didn’t know what apostolic was.

But my family is supportive. My Mom doesn’t understand the language, but she wants me to order her a Book of Common Prayer (done) and she wants me to be sure I’m called by God. My sister is supportive in their way, humor.

“Would I have to call you ‘Father?’ Because I won’t!”

You won’t.

Holiday Review 2- The Clergy

Before I start what will either be an incredibly long post or a series of smaller posts about the break, I want to start with two meetings I had with priests in Tempe, AZ and Mobile, AL.

I met with Gil on the Tuesday before I left for Mobile. It was our first spiritual direction session and he asked what I wanted to get out of spiritual direction. At the moment I’m looking for more confidence in what Marcus Borg calls the “emerging paradigm” in Christianity. Knowing that I’d be in Mobile for the next few weeks, Gil suggested that I add nothing else to my disciplines, but to see simply see if I could maintain what I do. He also suggested a few exercises in concept mapping to solidify what I think about different aspects of Christianity. I have not done so yet; I had no peace to do so over the break. I will start this soon. Later that week he also loaned me a book by Susan Howatch called Glamorous Powers. The book is a fictional work about a priest (an ex-monk) in the Church of England. I immensely enjoyed reading it over the break.

He also suggested that I meet with Jim and Mary (not knowing I had already made an appointment) as a way of getting people who had known me longer than he in on the priesthood conversation.

I could not wait to meet with Jim and Mary when I arrived in Mobile. They had also made themselves available to me when I wanted to talk about Christianity or theology, assisted in my confirmation, and married me and Laura. Thus, they have played a major role in my spiritual formation.

I expected the meeting to a take an hour; it lasted for two. From the meeting I gained the following:

1. My sense of disconnect from the secularization of the world was affirmed.
2. Don’t be afraid of counseling if Laura and I need it when the time for hard decisions comes.
3. If possible, go to seminary for the full three years. Alternative ordination may get me ordained sooner, but they both sense that I’d better serve parishioners by living the rhythm of seminary. This seems based on Jim’s sense that we are kindred spirits in academic settings and will love the immersion in study and worship; I think he is right.
4. Take the affirmations of my calling seriously. Both Jim and Mary said that my sense of calling does not surprise them; they felt it had been coming since the weekend of my confirmation. So far, everyone whose spiritual life I trust has affirmed this call. Also, about fifteen minutes after Jim recommended taking affirmations seriously, Kathy (my student teaching mentor) stuck her head in the office, saw me, and asked “Are you going to seminary yet?” Jim looked at me and said, “That’s the affirmation I was talking about.”
5. Be aware of the increased sense of poignancy in everyday life (it took hearing this to realize that it has already been going on).
6. Vary the liturgy.
7. Build my library. I left with book recommendations. BTW, Laura’s grandfather is sending me a box of books on theology and exegesis.
8. Don’t fret that I wasn’t ready to respond to the call until now or that I didn’t see something that others apparently did.
9. God sometimes has an unscrupulous sense of humor and I’ll be thrown curveballs occasionally.
10. The work is hard, but very rewarding (kind of like teaching).

After two hours, I thanked them for their time. They saw me in the middle of preparations for the Christmas services, a very busy time from which to take two hours. Before I left the church I stepped into the chapel to do my Noonday prayers and left with a sense of peace. The meeting is still fairly foremost in my thoughts even now.

Unsettled- holiday review 1

I'm back in Mesa and I'm reflecting on the trip home over the holidays. There were no unpleasant experiences to mention but I spent quite a bit of time in an emotionally and spiritually unsettled state. No single event sent me into a slump; it was the totality of a few things.

One reason for the slump was a change in routine, actually, it was the lack of a routine. To compare:

My disciplines in Mesa

1. daily reading from the Rule of Benedict
2. two weekly Eucharists, sometimes three
3. the Daily Lectionary (sometimes playing catch-up if I miss a day)
4. Tuesday Noonday Prayers
5. Church/ Theology related reading
6. Rosary/meditation about 5 times a week

My Disciplines in Mobile

1. daily reading from the Rule of Benedict
2. one weekly Eucharist
3. the Daily Lectionary, but only half of the days
   
4. Tuesday Noonday Prayers
5. Church/ Theology related reading / one wonderful fiction
   
6. Rosary/ meditation once the entire trip
   

It was to be expected that the routine I have would be hard to keep. I apparently do a lot at the daily level. I had obligations and demands on my time from friends and family that took some of the time I would spend in my disciplines. I don't regret any moment with my loved ones though. The situation was what it was. I wasn't about to tell the people that loved that I required at least 30 minutes a day in solitude. I at least faithfully kept to the requirements of St. Brigid's Community.

Other reasons for my unsettled nature

1. My conversation with Jim and Mary
2. The growing gap between me and my friends at home
3. I was expecting a theological showdown that did not happen
4. I'm displeased with my own lack of humility
5. Being given a final goodbye by my great-aunts
6. My sister doubting the sincerity of the Anglican style of worship. I expected this and I appreciate her honesty, though I dislike the implication that I am locked in a dead style of worship.

The next few posts will deal with the above in detail.