The trip to the Apostles of the Sacred Heart

I dialed the number and inhaled deeply.  This call felt awkward.  I didn't know exactly why I wanted to visit. I didn't feel prepared to talk.

"Hello, may I help you?"

"Um, yes, my names is Robert Berra, and I'm a student at Yale Divinity School in New Haven.  My great grand-aunt was a member of the Apostles until she passed away in 1995.  Her name was Caroline Berra.  I am wondering if I could come visit sometime in the next two weeks..." 

She gave an affirming answer and asked me to wait as she put me on hold. She came back about five minutes later.

"Robert, Caroline was one of the founders of the adult day care we have on site.  I'm emailing your information to our archivist who is here on Mondays and Thursdays.  She may have some information for you."
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I really started to ask questions about Sister Caroline in the fall of 2008.  At Arizona State University, I took a course on "Sex and Gender in American Religion." We spent some time talking and reading about Catholic convents and the Protestant detestation of them, particularly in the 1800s. It was then that I remembered that there was a religious sister in my family. And so I went looking for Sister Caroline’s information because of my class readings and because I recently decided to join a local New Monastic community through a local Episcopal Church. The Apostles are not Benedictine as such, which is the monastic tradition I most closely identify (though I am finding that there is a Dominican streak running through me); still it was heartening to know that I'm treading a path that has already been traveled in my family: the path of professing vows for/to the service of God, the Church, and all people. Caroline's journey to taking vows has figured into both my exploration of religious orders and re-appropriation of the some of the substance of catholic Christianity.  In moving to New Haven, it was somewhat on my mind that the Apostles were based three miles away in Hamden.

Since meeting a sister of the order while I was a chaplain intern at the Hospital of St Raphael in New Haven, and then running into the sisters in other public places, I've felt the pull to visit the Apostles of the Sacred Heart since August.  The time never seemed right for a visit until a few weeks ago, as Spring Break approached. Then as I checked her obituary in preparation for the phone call, I noticed  that the hospital I served in this summer was the same hospital in which she passed away.
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The following day, I received an email from another sister, based in Pennsylvania.

Hi Robert (Bob),

I'm Sr. S. and I received an email from one of our sisters saying that you were at Yale and related to Sr. Caroline.  I lived with her at the Manor for a good 20 years until her death.  We were good friends.  I also taught Karen and Michael Berra at St. Ambrose.

Presently I'm stationed in Pa., but I'm coming to Ct. this Weekend for a workshop.  I'd love to meet you and or talk to you. What can we arrange?

 We made arrangements to meet the coming Friday evening at the Manor.
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I was let into the manor by a sister who asked me to take a seat in the darkened lobby.  The overhead lights were off, and the room was lit by two lamps.  Sr. S. had not yet arrived.  I sat down on a couch in the darkened lobby and listened carefully.  Somewhere, a radio was playing Stevie Ray Vaughn's "Pride and Joy."  I smiled.  That's a great song.  It seemed like the manor was shutting down for the night.  There was little movement; the place was quiet except for the tell-tale sounds of banging hotel pans told me that people were cleaning a kitchen.  A few sisters walked by me slowly--the couch was by a door opening to the main corridor--they smiled and said 'hello.'  I returned their greetings.

Did I know why I was there yet?  No.  I didn't even yet know what I wanted to ask.

S. arrived about ten minutes later, and still having little sense of what I wanted to know,  I asked S. to simply speak of Caroline.  S. suggested we go down to the adult day care that she and Caroline helped start in 1988.  As we went she pointed out pictures of Caroline as she saw them.

(Caroline is in the foreground with the back turned)

This particular picture S. stopped to elaborate on.  In 1993, the sisters decided to put on a play based on the film Sister Act.  S. said that Caroline really did a wonderful job as Whoopi Goldberg's character, and that it was a shame that there was not a video of the event. Another picture was a football game event around the Superbowl in 1992.

(Caroline is once again in the foreground facing away.)

We entered the day center and sat down.  I began to show S. some of the material I had:  Caroline's obituary, the program from her funeral Mass, and a drawn genogram to show her where is was in the family in relation to Caroline.  S. asked me to speak a little of my own life, and I told her of my journey from Alabama to Arizona to Connecticut, and from the Southern Baptist Church  to near-ordination in the Episcopal Church.  I mentioned that I wanted to learn about my family in general, but I was also interested in how Caroline lived out her religious vows, and I confided that I was also looking at the vows I would soon be taking.

I asked S. to tell me about starting the center and living with Caroline. What was she like? Caroline was normally a very reserved person, and only one person, a sister Cecilia, could get her to play dress-up for events and parties they threw. But once she was in character, she really enjoyed it. Caroline used to joke that once the day care reached fifty occupants, she would retire from it. The rest of the staff jokingly decided not to tell her once they (rather quickly) sailed past fifty. She was very artistic and loved crafts. She must have been rather resourceful, because the center started with very little and they often had to improvise.

S. and I then continued to walk through the center, which is a beautiful space, where we found the photo albums for the center.  S. and I went through, and she allowed me to take the photos of Caroline (which I will return).

After gathering some photos, S. and I walked back to a table and spoke for some time.  I asked her about her own work as a teacher in Pennsylvania, working with mentally handicapped children and young adults. At around 9pm, she asked if I had a ride home and offered to take me back to New Haven. I accepted.  As we parted I wished her well and blessings and safety in her travels; she did the same and said it was wonderful to meet someone from Caroline's family and think on the wonderful memories.
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A few weeks later, March 22nd rolled around; the day Caroline passed away and the day she is memorialized in the ASCJ.  It was also the day of my middler review, in which the seminary/divinity school has a conversation with the student about how things are going. Thanks to the visit, I had some sense of my way forward in the Transitional Diaconate.  It's odd and wonderful really.  I came back from the visit with an answer to a question I didn't know how to ask.

The next day I took a trip out to North Haven--where she is buried--and I paid my respects.

I'm am thankful that S. took the time to speak to me about Caroline; and I am grateful to Caroline for her service to God and her example to me.

O God, the King of saints, we praise and glorify your holy
Name for all your servants who have finished their course in
your faith and fear: for the blessed Virgin Mary; for the holy
patriarchs, prophets, apostles, and martyrs; and for all your
other righteous servants, known to us and unknown; and we
pray that, encouraged by their examples, aided by their
prayers, and strengthened by their fellowship, we also may
be partakers of the inheritance of the saints in light; through
the merits of your Son Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.