I'm still alive, but I'm not heavily blogging until I return to Mesa, AZ from Mobile, AL. I'll leave you with some current topics of thought.

1. Trying to be a monastic in the world (neo-monastic aspirant)
2. Affirmations of a call
3. an awakening and pervasive sense of poignancy in everyday life
4. the act (art) of letting go of family
5. Presence as ministry
5. distance between my biological family and myself
6. Toward better communication with Laura about all of this
7. Meeting with priests
8. my own lack of humility

The Goth Eucharist

"Goths at Church?" Yes.



St. Edward King and Martyr Church is an Anglican in Cambridge, England which holds a biweekly service in the evenings for those who identify themselves as Goth.

"The service is candlelit with a specially written liturgy and uses a variety of modern rock and as well as classical music. The structure of the service revolves around the baptismal candle and reflects a serious engagement with the depressing and darker sides of our lives before moving towards a position of hope and happiness found in the empathy of the Lord Jesus Christ."

Here is a good article about the service and why it came to be; the article is under "Being Christian and being Goth."

The church found that of the ~35 people (and growing) that attend the service, more than half were confirmed in their teens and fell away from the church. Most say that they would not think of returning to Sunday morning services. One possible way to read this is that the church found a marketing gimmick. Recognizing that the service contains such a high number of confirmed Christians coming back, I interpret to mean the church is actively reconciling itself to those that were shunned in misunderstanding. The church recognizes them in terms of their chosen identity, which is a powerful statement.



I have no formal training in liturgy, but I was very impressed when I read their service; it is obviously different from a Sunday morning service but is still very similar. The liturgy was written by the priest in charge and I found it to be beautiful and thought-provoking.

For instance, here is the affirmation of faith that would normally be the Nicene Creed:

We believe in God above us,
Maker and Sustainer of life,
Of sun and moon,
Of water and earth.
Of male and female.
We believe in God beside us,
Jesus Christ, the word made flesh,
born of a woman’s womb,
servant of the poor.
He came to draw all humanity to himself,
The troubled, the terrified,
The doubtful and the disillusioned.
He was tortured and nailed to a tree.
A man of sorrows, he died forsaken.
He descended into the earth to the place of death.
On the third day he rose from the tomb.
He ascended into heaven to be forever with us.
And His Kingdom will come on earth.
We believe in God within us,
The Holy Spirit of Pentecostal fire,
The life-giving breath of the church,
the Spirit of Healing and Forgiveness
and the Source of the Resurrection and everlasting life. Amen.

Be present, O merciful God, and protect us through the silent hours of this
night, so that we who are wearied by the changes and chances of this fleeting
world, may repose upon thy eternal changelessness; through Jesus Christ our
Lord. Amen.

Beautiful.

If I were a priest, could I do this service? I don't know. My problem isn't the Gothic-ness, my problem is my own identity. Priests still have some flexibility in how they perform the liturgy, but it is sometimes obvious when a priest is not in his element or is not being himself. I think this particular service works because the priest who started it was in the culture. If I were to perform services like this, I could not "play the part" because I do not know it. If I tried to, I would do harm and be seen as a poser. If I fessed up to my middle-class white suburbian upbringing, I don't think I could effectively minister to congregants because I don't know them. I could learn it....

Still, I would love to see this done in more American parishes, especially if it serves as a reconciliation with groups that left the church because they were not welcome.

A Rule of Life

These were the requirements for joining St. Brigid's Community.

1) to be under regular spiritual direction
2) that under the guidance of your spiritual director you will be writing your own Rule of Life following the pattern of Benedictine Spirituality
3) you will either pray with us in person or on your own for morning prayers or evening prayers each Tuesday
4) you will join us in the daily practice of reading The Benedictine Rule with commentary by Joan Chittister and
5) you will join us or some other community for weekly Eucharist.

Today I am starting on Number 2, writing the rule of life. The five community requirements are of course included.

At the moment, I've added to pray the rosary daily, read the Daily Lectionary, and to be grateful and humble.

So Rick Warren has proved himself to be of the same ilk as Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell. How'd he do it? He called for the assassination of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad; Pat Robertson did the same thing in 2005 when he called for the assassination of Hugo Chavez.

Here is the youtube:


"God put government on earth to punish evildoers." Which government, Rick? By your interpretation Ayatollah Ali Khamenei and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad as heads of government have an ability to act as they see fit to destroy evildoers as well. Of course, Rick means the U.S.

From Matt Duss

In any case, if this were a conversation between an Iranian TV host and an ayatollah in which they discussed scriptural justifications for “taking out” high ranking members of the U.S. government, you’d probably see Sean Hannity running the clip on his show — while slowly shaking his head in pious disapproval — as evidence of what crazy extremists those Iranians are. As it is, they’ll probably be running this on Iranian TV as evidence of what crazy extremists those Americans are.

Then, and this is clever, they go back to the Old Testament in order to justify killing. Later, Rick Warren cites Romans 13 incorrectly just to throw in something from the New Testament. Jesus wasn't able to help them out here. Neither of them brought up the fact that both Christianity and Judaism have long histories of just war theorizing that have actually, you know, tried to limit warfare. Hannity, as a Catholic, should look at his own tradition. Then again, I don't think he'll find support much there, so he won't even mention them.

A new rosary

So, I've already written that I have an Anglican rosary. Another one came in the mail today. I had ordered it in early October, but due to issues with the provider it did not arrive until now. Here it is.

I have a new favorite Christmas song...

I do not like the fact that Christmas music has already started on the radio. I do not like the fact that every single pop and R&B artist has to come out with a new Christmas album every year. I prefer the English hymns and folk instrumentals of the same.

But I found a new favorite Christmas song and it comes "from a heathen and a pagan." I'll highlight my favorite lyrics and a video is below.
___________________________
The Rebel Jesus by Jackson Browne

All the streets are filled with laughter and light
And the music of the season
And the merchants' windows are all bright
With the faces of the children
And the families hurrying to their homes
While the sky darkens and freezes
Will be gathering around the hearths and tables
Giving thanks for God's graces
And the birth of the rebel Jesus

Well they call him by 'the Prince of Peace'
And they call him by 'the Savior'
And they pray to him upon the seas
And in every bold endeavor
And they fill his churches with their pride and gold
As their faith in him increases
But they've turned the nature that I worship in
From a temple to a robber's den
In the words of the rebel Jesus

Well we guard our world with locks and guns
And we guard our fine possessions
And once a year when Christmas comes
We give to our relations
And perhaps we give a little to the poor
If the generosity should seize us
But if any one of us should interfere
In the business of why there are poor
They get the same as the rebel Jesus

Now pardon me if I have seemed
To take the tone of judgment
For I've no wish to come between
This day and your enjoyment
In a life of hardship and of earthly toil
There's a need for anything that frees us
So I bid you pleasure
And I bid you cheer
From a heathen and a pagan
On the side of the rebel Jesus



It begs the question as to whether Christians really follow who we say we do and what we are actually remembering. It also reminds me that sometimes those on the outside of the faith get us better than we get ourselves. I'll point this song out next time I hear someone say that non-Christians have no morals...

So, my priest, Gil, had to go out of town to preside over a funeral and he left a friend of mine, Chad, to perform our service tonight. Gil suggested that I offer my assistance to Chad, and I did. He asked if I would take the sermon portion of the service and I agreed.

My quick (and first) sermon...the text the Matt. 25:31-46. You are getting a skeleton of text that I filled in as I spoke.
____________________________________

"Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O lord, My strength and redeemer." Psalm 19:14

My rector in Mobile was recently asked why he talks about the poor so much. Matthew 25 is the answer to the question.

This passage, with Jesus saying that favor is bestowed upon those who feed the hungry, give drink to the thirsty, welcome the stranger, clothe the naked, or visit the sick or imprisoned is our essential mandate.

More radically, this isn’t just a Christian or a Jewish mandate. The translation is “nations” in plural. Jesus is explicitly saying that this is not just the Jews he is talking about, but also the Gentiles…a Universal Church as opposed to simply the nation of Israel…

To take it a step further, a suggested better translation for "nations" is “all of the people of the world” which I think brings the focus from large groups to the individual. You, me, all of us. I think this is where the focus belongs.

And there is enough work for all of us. There is a website called Globalrichlist.com that tells you what your global standing in terms of wealth is. Laura and I live paycheck to paycheck but we are in the top 10% of the wealthiest people in the world. An annual income of $5,000 is still in the top 15%. There is so much to be done, and that has been left undone, that Jesus’ mandate seems daunting.

I was once in a meeting where some in a congregation were resistant to the idea of helping on a global scale. “Can we really make a difference” was the mood. In the face of such global and local poverty and injustice, it seems that fear turns churches and denominations inwards. I read schism and internal bickering, whatever the denomination, as saying that “we can have no effect outside of our walls, so we will only police within them.”

Fear paralyzes in a time when we are called do our work, our duty.

Some in the congregation in question went so far as to say that they earned their possessions, and so, is this type of thing really their responsibility (?). My answer is “absolutely, yes.”

Jesus’ phrase that “what you do for the least of these, you do to me” may be rhetorical but I see it as recognizing the inherent spark of the divine in everyone else. Especially if we believe that we exist in the image of God (Imago Dei).

I’m then personally left with the weight of the mandate. I’ve come to the realization that I can’t do everything I would like to do but I’m also left with the knowledge that these duties, to feed, to clothe, to visit, to provide, are nonnegotiable. There is always more I can do, and I welcome the guilt that comes with that because it forces me to be mindful of my never-finished duty (this is the appropriate word).

Last week we started brainstorming concrete ways to better the larger community, the people outside of our walls. I can’t wait to continue the conversation.

Reconnecting to a Catholic Root

I've talked about the fact that I was raised in a Southern Baptist congregation. What I haven't mentioned is what is even further back in my family history in regards to religion. My mother's side of my family, at least to my knowledge, is uniformly Baptist; my father's family, however, was mainly Roman Catholic. It is through my family connection to a more Catholic form of worship that I find continuity of faith and, frankly, an expression of faith that makes me more mindful of the Trinity.

When my Grandfather died in March and my aunt was dividing up his belongings, I received his rosary and wall crucifix. Here is a picture of his rosary.



When I received it I felt honored; I think it had once been mentioned that I should get it when he passed away and rosaries tend to mean a lot to people. I decided that since I now had one perhaps I should learn how to pray it.

I then started to wonder if the Episcopal/Anglican church uses rosaries, especially since the two Churches are so similar. It turns out that they do and I now have an Anglican rosary.



The structure is different from the traditional Catholic rosary. There is the cross and then 33 beads in all (four sets of 7 "week" beads, 4 cruciform beads, and an invitatory bead). A full explanation of the symbolism is here. I don't focus on Marian devotion so much (neither do all Catholics for that matter, there are other Catholic rosary forms). There are no set prayers with the Anglican rosary but rather suggestions that can be mix and matched. I'm changing my prayers to reflect the liturgical seasons though...tomorrow starts Advent. In any case, I find using a rosary to be helpful in ordering my prayers.

In my "Sex and Gender in American Religion" seminar, we have spent some time talking and reading about Catholic convents and the Protestant detestation of them. It was then that I remembered that there was a nun in my family. And so I went looking for Sister Caroline’s information because of my class readings and because I recently decided to join a local New Monastic community through a local Episcopal Church. She was a member of the Apostles of the Sacred Heart of Jesus in Hamden, Connecticut. She entered religious life in 1941 and died, still in the Order, in 1995. It's heartening to know that I'm treading a path that has already been traveled in my family.

So, heirlooms and history help me connect to a style of worship that feels more familiar and meaningful to me.

And recently I have been thinking about what Protestantism lost in the effort to separate itself from a Catholic style of worship. My reflections on this comes from my experience in the Baptist church I attended.

1) The liturgical calendar. In the Baptist Church, there was Christmas and Easter. We seemed focused on Jesus' birth and death but the rest was not as important.
2) the Lectionary. The pastors I grew up listening to, well, there never seemed to be a method to the madness. With the lectionary, there is a system of readings from the Bible and, in most cases, priests use sermons to elaborate on these readings. It is more holistic than the preacher who picks a verse or five and connects them without regard to context. The lectionary system also helps me remember the content of the sermon. I fankly do not remember much of what my old preacher said. I remember him (or another Baptist preacher) talk about sins of commisssion and ommission, that the Palestinians should read the Bible and realize the the land belongs to the Israelis, and that celebrating Halloween will send me to Hell. That's it; I don't remember much else.
3) Good works vs. Faith. Southern Baptists follow sola fide with a passion, to the point at which they said that Catholics would go to Hell because they only cared about works. I agree that faith is important (correct doctrine is fuzzier) but there must also be works. We are called to works (Matthew 25:31-46) and I think the focus on Jesus' death obscures that for the Baptists.
_____
Correction: Tomorrow is Christ the King; Next Sunday starts Advent.

The LDS came to visit today

I was outside on my porch reading materials for my Monday class and the newest Newsweek when two missionaries rolled up on their bicycles. I had been waiting for this moment, actually. Not in a I-can't-wait-to-challenge-them-or-ridicule-them sort of way, but I now live in an area where the LDS population is high so the encounter was statistically inevitable.

I could have challenged them about the marriage propositions in Arzona and California, and the money their denomination sunk into them, but I didn't. One of them saw the cover of my Newsweek and basically said, "Oh Obama won?" It was either making small talk or genuinely not knowing; I left politics alone either way.

I learned a trick when I was talking to military recruiters in 2002: they always inevitably asked if I knew what I would do after graduation and were mostly thrown off when I could rattle off a five-year plan. They are trained to jump on uncertainty, so I denied them that point of attack (and it also helped that I was able to say that I was going into ROTC and planning to commission). I assume missionaries of any faith are also trained to look for uncertainty or the people that seem more receptive. There are very good reasons for missionaries to go out by twos, such as safety, but it is also undeniable that if the two people approach one (me in this case), it is an uneven exchange and there is a power dynamic in play. I wasn't in the mood to be converted but I wanted some conversation. I was proactive.

"So where are you two from?" Olympia, WA and Cartersville, GA. "Cool, I lived in Dahlonega for a while! What ward or church are you attached to while you are here?" I can see its steeple from my porch and they are responsible for three, well, "beats."

"Look guys, I have an LDS King James Version and a Book of Mormon already and I'm a grad student in Religious Studies, but I'd like to hear your story." This deflates the build-up to the pitch. The Georgian gave his abbreviated conversion story, focusing on the marvelous feeling of purpose and direction that the Faith brings.

"I completely understand that feeling..." And I do; see my earlier posts. So I think at this point I had established us three as equal believers which gave us the ability to talk without the encumbrance of an underlying agenda for the talk (except now I was perhaps wasting their time). We chatted about my work on just war tradiation and they gave me some warfare verses from the BoM, which could be handy. I wonder how the LDS determined the propriety of certain wars? A few other things came up, LDS history and the like, but I stayed away from theology or "what the Bible actually says." Missionaries from all denominations know their texts (particularly the proof-texts) and I wouldn't dare go against someone who trained from an early age to do just this type of missionary work, especially since I rarely touched a Bible from '96-'06. I'm now reading the Daily Lectionary but I'm not memorizing verses.

That being said, I have to tip my hat to the LDS. If you take the average pew-sitter in many other denominations and a Mormon to a memorized verse contest, my money is on the Mormon. They typically have more scriptural knowledge than many other Christians. What I remain curious about is if they know the history of English transations of the Bible or the fact that we do not even have copies of the copies of the copies of the original Gospels. I have problems with the KJV as a result of these histories.

As we were finishing up and possibly to call my bluff, the guy from Washington wanted to clarify that I had the BoM. "Sure, hold on." I went inside and returned within a few seconds with both the LDS KJV and a stand-alone BoM. "Yeah, I keep it next to my standard KJV, Trinity Catholic Bible, New Oxford (RSV) Bible, BCP, Tanakh, Qur'an, and Tao Te Ching."

They very warmly invited me to join them on Sunday mornings and I thanked them for their time. It was a pleasant exchange all in all... much better than last night. There was a church group around 8 p.m. at an intersection yelling "the Word" into a bullhorn at the cars passing by. If those were my only two experiences with Christianity, guess which church I would think actually wanted me to join and was considerate of a sense of common humanity?

The churches that are willing to get personal with the community deserve the blessings they get...and even more so if they act out the Gospels regardless of the chances of gaining converts.

A conversation with myself

You are serious about a Christian commitment to nonviolence are ya?
I think so. The Gospel is pretty clear in its examples.
What are you going to do about the gun in your bedroom?
...What?
The 9mm Beretta you have in your bedroom. You remember? You lobbied your father for it since, what, 10th grade?
Oh yeah...8th grade.
Well, there's a problem. I am running up against to discrepant religious duties. While I have a commitment to nonviolence, I also have a duty to protect my wife. She is a pretty nonviolent person, but I said I'd do the job.
That leaves you in a tough position.
It does, so what are my options? If I were to ever be in a bad situation, do I fight long enough to let Laura run and then become nonviolent when she is safe? That is halfway in line with St. Augustine (of Hippo) before his formulations on just war.
Do you need the gun though?
I suppose not. I will get it back to Mobile at the first opportunity and give it to Dad. He certainly wouldn't want it sold since it was his service pistol.

<<>>

Okay, I need to call Mom and ask if Dad would think I'm giving up a heirloom.

<<>>

Dad'll take it back. He understands a gun technically isn't the tool of a priest since I'm serious about that option.

<<>>

Well, even with the discrepant roles of living a commitment to nonviolence and protection of those in your charge, you should choose to protect life and this may compromise your ideal.
I'll have to live with that option if it occurs; I can't say for sure what will happen. I'll ask absolution if I am ever presented with that choice.
Do you need the gun, though?
No, I don't feel that kind of fear anymore. I'll get it back to Mobile at my first opportunity.

All Saints' Day

Liturgically, today was the one year anniversary of my confirmation in the Episcopal Church. It is handy when anniversaries fall on easily remembered days, such as feast days. All Saints' Day is meant to celebrate those who have acheived the beatific vision, and appropriately the liturgy for today contains probably one of the most famous speeches of Jesus, the Beatitudes.

1Now when he saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, 2and he began to teach them saying:
3"Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
5Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
6Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
7Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
8Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
9Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called sons of God.
10Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
11"Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me.

One could do much worse for a mission in life than trying to live out these precepts. Since I was confirmed on this day, the verses leave that much more of an impression upon me.

My day of confirmation was interesting for a few reasons. First, my parents had not been to an Episcopal Church before. I had been attending the church for about nine months being nurished and caught up in the liturgy. The invitation had always been extended for my parents to come see what it was like. Barry had come with me once and started a "WTF!?" list, on which he wrote down questions about what was going on. But this was their first time to visit.

The day started with a meeting with the bishop for all that were being confirmed and their family as well as the children that were being baptized and their family; 10 confirmands and 2 babies for baptism in all. We went around the room doing introductions; the confirmands, if they were new to the church, were asked by the bishop what they remembered of their baptism and seemed interested that I had been baptized by full immersion. The question seems to me now to come from the trend that many come from other traditions into the Episcopal church. He was also impressing upon us the seriousness of the obligation we were undertaking. My mother was uncomfortable in the session, something that wasn't helped when the bishop asked who in the room had been baptized in a creek ("crik"). My mother was the only one. There was some discomfort at this point, my mother had put herself out there as being from a congregation that some Episcopalians looked down upon as "primitive." I've never heard this thought uttered and it wasn't said that day; the heirarchy in denominations is still alive and well in some people's minds though. The bishop was quick to validate her experience although I'm not certain that she remembers it that way. The lesson I took from the bishop was the ideal of the unity of the body of Christ through baptism.

What normally happens at confirmation is this: the confirmand is called forward by the bishop, who kneels before the bishop. He puts his hands on the confirmand and asks Gods blessing. At this point, people who the confirmand wants to "stand with" him or her come forward and put their hands on the confirmand as a sign of community. I had asked my parents to stand with me; my Dad agreed and my Mom demurred. So, when I felt more than two sets of hands on me (my eyes were closed) I almost lost it. The beauty of the liturgy and the meaning that some of the smallest thing convey had me on the verge of tears for most of the service.

November 4th, 2007 is a day I will not forget.

May God, who has given us, in the lives of God's saints, patterns of holy living and victorious dying, strengthen your faith and devotion, and enable you to bear witness to the truth against all adversity. Amen.

Abundant Fear

I mentioned earlier that fear was on my list of things that tend to occupy my thinking as I go about my daily activities. It was originally on my mind because of the financial meltdown we seem to be going through; today I was reminded of the fear that the Christian Right is experiencing with the prospect of an Obama presidency.

James Dobson and his "Focus on the Family (FoF)", terrified of what could be a center-left government, has given in to fear-mongering in order to influence Christians to vote for the Republican ticket. Apparently, and according to FoF, in four years the Democrats will be able to completely destroy this country from the inside out. Some Christians (including me) will be to blame. The link above says much that that I agree with, but I'll pull out a few things to reiterate.

FoF spends an inordinant amount of time talking about homosexuality and abortion. Granted it is their focus as an organization, but they are inordinantly important to the organization considered how little is in the Bible about either. Jesus talked about service to the poor constantly, over a thousand times. Homosexuality is mentioned in seven verses in the entire Bible, none of which is attributable to Jesus and the context is culturally specific to the Jewish people. Are not the FoF's priorities misguided in light of the Gospels?

I don't live with this type of fear anymore; Dobson can't control me like that. Matthew 25 is a good antithesis of the fear that Dobson peddles.

A concrete step

I just e-mailed Rev. Gil Stafford to tell him that I would like to submit to a discernment committee this coming Spring. I also just e-mailed Laura's grandparents and my rectors in Mobile to tell them something of the seriousness.

Two Tuesdays ago I talked with a friend here who had submitted himself to the process of discernment. At the end of his time with the committee, he had their recommendation but refused to follow though. He did not feel it was his time and the realization was hard on him. He was implicitly recommending that I submit myself to the process and that "If you are honest everything comes out; every selfish motive, every doubt, every thought that led you to this point..." These thoughts led me to think I would benefit from starting the process. The questions and thoughts relating to the idea of joining the priesthood are incessant and urgent. The process surely takes time but I'm ready to move forward in more concrete ways.

Writing to others and to myself forces me to make those concrete steps.

So why not start next week? Doubt, mostly...That I'm too young in the denomination, that I spent too long outside of church in my soft-agnostic stage to know what I should about the Bible, that I don't have a fully coherent worldview or theology...

Gil says he worries about people who go through "the hoops" quickly. The process needs to do its work. So I will wait for Spring and in the meantime I will throw myself into working on a Benedictine rule of life for how I will conduct myself in the world at large.

Oh yeah, the Benedictine rule... I've joined a group connected to the church I attend called St. Brigid's Community. It's a "new monastic" group.

Topics in Progress

My writing is more sporadic than I would wish it to be due to the demands of grad school; but here is an ever-growing list of themes on which I dwell.

1. Fear that is pervasive in our society
2. Church/state separation
3. Commitment to nonviolence?
4. New Monasticism
5. Prayer
6. The Worldview Questions
(Origin) Where did we come from? Who are we?
(Purpose/destination)What is my purpose or role in this world?
(Diagnosis)What has gone wrong with the world? (Why is there such a mess in the world?)
(Prescription)What can we do to fix it? (Is there any way out?)
7. Extensions to the worldview questions
How do I come to terms with death?
How do I make sense of suffering?
How can I possibly believe in justice?

My Home in Mobile

This is the church in which I was confirmed. The picture is from Easter Vigil during the liturgy of baptism.

"Starlight" by the Wailin' Jennys

The music is available on my Myspace profile.
____________________________
I have come back to you broken
take me home
And my body bears this trouble
take me home
Take me back to my beginning
Before the hell of night set in
And I came to this border
take me home

I have toured the endless starlight
take me home
I have shattered under midnight
take me home
There are no vultures in this clearing
Except the ones who brought me here
And I'll no longer feed them
take me home

Kingdom come, their will was done
And now the earth is far away
from any kind of heaven
Hallowed be these frozen fields
And every single one of us
still left in want of mercy
Take us home

Now the bells stand still and hollow
take me home
And no one has come to mourn me
take me home
Find me where I close my eyes
Beneath this sky of powerlines
And let me see us clearly
take me home

Kingdom come, their will was done
And now the earth is far away
from any kind of heaven
Hallowed be these frozen fields
And every single one of us
Still left in want of mercy
Take us home...
______________________

Not every experience with the infinite comes from a God or Goddess, it sometimes comes from those who sing from the perspective of one broken on the wheels of living. Or, perhaps, it truly is the infinite incarnate through us mere mortals.

Perspective, Process, Prosperity

An advantage of being in a denomination that follows a liturgical calendar is that, on any given day, just about every Episcopalian (and Methodists, and I think many Lutherans) is hearing the exact same passages from the Bible. Generally the sermon is then always on the same passage from the New Testament. This makes it easy for me to keep up with what certain priests make of the text. Thanks to the internet, the rector’s and asst. rector’s sermons from All Saints’ Episcopal in Mobile are available to me. Then I get to hear one or two different interpretations from priests here in Arizona depending on what services I go to throughout the week. Sometimes it ends up being a variation of a theme and sometimes the sermons diverge in subject. Most of the time I end up admiring the priest for what I see as radical statements usually in total opposition to what I heard in the Southern Baptist church in which I grew up. The first instinct is “heresy!” giving way to agreement that the radical interpretation makes more sense. I am finding myself growing in appreciation for theologies of process, liberation, and universalism as I learn more about them; they were what drew me back to the church in the first place. Here is another example of universalism from Mobile.

In light of our nation's turn to corporate socialism (a decent idea, but the wrong freaking beneficiaries) and a topic of conversation at St. A's, it seems like a good idea to talk about prosperity. Time magazine has published a column about the prosperity gospel and it's possible relation to the current financial brouhaha.

Has the so-called Prosperity gospel turned its followers into some of the most willing participants — and hence, victims — of the current financial crisis? That's what a scholar of the fast-growing brand of Pentecostal Christianity believes. While researching a book on black televangelism, says Jonathan Walton, a religion professor at the University of California at Riverside, he realized that Prosperity's central promise — that God will "make a way" for poor people to enjoy the better things in life — had developed an additional, dangerous expression during the subprime-lending boom. Walton says that this encouraged congregants who got dicey mortgages to believe "God caused the bank to ignore my credit score and blessed me with my first house." The results, he says, "were disastrous, because they pretty much turned parishioners into prey for greedy brokers."

One verse that the proclaimers of the prosperity gospel use is in Mark 10:29. They say God guarantees a "one hundredfold return" on what they give to the mission/church/ministry/pastor's pocket. I call bullshit; and once evangelicals quit talking about the issues of the pelvis that seem to preoccupy them, we tend to agree on a strong disdain for the prosperity gospel. Even most fundamentalists with a propensity for plucking bible verses without a care as to context agree that it is an aberration. The prosperity preachers tend to leave out the part that says a hundredfold persecutions come with the territory and that "many who are first will be last, and the last will be first." The guilt for such a message typically lies with the pastor espousing the gospel and I'm torn on what to make of those who follow it. While a better life materially is never guaranteed on this Earth (and this gives good ammunition to critics), I find it hard to fault people for trying to have some hope of a better life this side of heaven.

This brings us to the point of the story. What is also left out of the telling of hundred-fold myth is what happens right before (Mark 10:17-27). Long story short, a man refuses to sell his possessions and give to the poor. I have witnessed this story go over poorly with some congregations. Sometimes it goes over poorly because there is a sense of entitlement to the wealth a congregant has amassed, sometimes it is because of a sense of impotence in the face of a world with so much suffering. Still, that does not absolve us from a Christian responsibility to help the least of these, and not necessarily ourselves. Listen, a huge mistake that Christians make now is to get saved and sit back to wait for the rapture. We should be more concerned about what is going on in this world. We do no good waiting for the same thing Christians have been expecting since the generation after Christ or voting solely on abortion when we supposedly follow a man that was always at his most explicit when he was a social activist.

If you have not been to Global rich list, go and take a look at where you are in the world. It is a way of seeing how much work we have to do, Christian or not. My wife and I are in the top 5% and we are sometimes paycheck to paycheck but we still do what we can. Give locally or globally.

Here is something simple, it only takes five minutes or so. Compose an e-mail to the people most likely to give you something on your birthday and holiday. Ask/tell them to use the money that they would spend on you on a charity instead. Pick a few charities or causes that you like and provide links to that organization. You can even give to Heifer International in someone else's name, for instance. If you know all of your needs are met, then let that money go elsewhere.

The Preliminaries

Before I start trying to figure out where I'm going, it will be helpful to tell where I have been. This was originally written on May 29, 2008. I've updated some things to bring it to this moment in time.
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Tuesday night, my rector and his wife (Jim and Catherine Flowers) held a small gathering at their house that was essentially open to the whole congregation but was particularly meant to welcome the newbies. Laura attended with me. Jim and Catherine live in a well-appointed house on Conti St. and the interior is beautiful. One walks around and can find something interesting in every room, such as two large 1.5 foot tall acorn statues framing the fireplace or a wooden chandelier. Then there is the backyard garden, well-manicured with hydrangea, pond, walkway, and fountain. There was also the hit of the night, an incongruous fixture to a backyard in Midtown: the functional chicken coop. Many a guest was heard saying excitedly, "Have you seen the chickens?" There was also much ado about their well-behaved Corgis. Laura and I found them extremely well-mannered and friendly while Laura was holding a plate of food.

Moving from conversation to conversation at the party one could notice a striking pattern; the Episcopal Church has a great number of people that have come from other denominations. Kathy was a Baptist (not Southern), Jim (not the rector) was Presbyterian, I was a Southern Baptist. Some talked of their old denominations and some of the reasons they left for the Episcopal Church. The overarching theme seemed to be openness.

I don't often talk about why I left the Baptist denomination. I had been pulling away from any kind of faith in God during high school, which seems to be a standard thing for most people now. What cemented the break was a conversation with my old preacher. I asked what the Bible had to say about interracial dating because I was considering asking someone out and I was looking for some sort of comfort from the flak I was taking at home. My parents were not absolutely against the concept but were telling me not to put on the strain or the particular set of problems that an interracial relationship can bring. I suppose was hoping that I could be offered some strength from the Word, but found condemnation. “Interracial dating is against the Bible,” I was told. I decided that what I was hearing was not the Bible, but the denomination's, or maybe just that preacher's, line. Still, that was it. I was done. I became a soft agnostic.

I believe you can learn a lot about a person from their bookshelf. When I want to really “meet” someone, I look at their books. It is a new habit for me, which I picked up after meeting Laura's grandparents. Their house is literally littered with books in every room. Books pour out of their shelves and onto end tables. I spotted Jim and Catherine's two massive bookshelves from across the house and immediately moved to it. Garrison Keillor, Virginia Woolf, Robert Frost, Greek Mythology, Norton Anthologies, Dostoevsky (Notes from Underground!), and other great literature were on shelf, which spoke to Jim's undergrad degree in (I think) English. There were not too many books on theology, those are in Jim's office at the church and possibly elsewhere in the house.

My Introduction to Ethics class was probably what pulled me back into Christianity, though non-denominationally. The professor was a minister who made some tapes and books of Ravi Zacharias available for his students. Ravi Zacharias is an Indian minister and lecturer married to a French-Canadian woman, which gave me a sign that I had been right about my old preacher's mindset affecting his theology. But what struck me more about Zacharias was his speaking. This was my introduction to apologetics, or the logical arguments for the existence of God. It was something better than “the Bible says so” and I listened and read all I could. More important than the debate points for and against God which are argued over endlessly and always seem to come back to faith and belief was the fact that there was a way to engage in faith that did not require turning off one's mind. Zacharias is rooted in the Christian orthodoxy and I generally agreed with him, but the way to investigating new brands of theology was opened. Laura told me once about being appalled and scared when visiting a Baptist Church in South Carolina. The preacher, during the alter call, literally said “Don't think! Just come!” That was the anathema to everything Laura had been taught by her family and the Episcopal Church and was quickly becoming my mindset too. We like to think too much.

Jeff, the church organist and organizer for Integrity, stood in the crowded kitchen with a glass of red wine and talking to a woman in her 50s as I passed by. She asked why he refused to play Wagner's wedding march. That line begged me to listen since he will be playing for my wedding. The wedding march is part of a play. He then started to explain the staging for the play. The march is not for when the characters are going down the aisle but instead on the way to the wedding chamber. Implicitly, there is a lot involved at that point: bridesmaids are pulling up the bride's dress, there must be penetration, there must be blood, there must be witnesses present. As a result, Jeff does not refuse to play the wedding march but he tells brides the staging when they ask for the song. Most decide not to have it played.

The first time I heard of the Episcopal Church I was driving to school in Georgia after visiting home. I had gotten into the habit of listening to NPR or just public radio when on the long trips because the talk was more stimulating than music. Gene Robinson was getting consecrated that day. It was a contentious issue as he is a openly gay partnered man. The NPR reporter started off the broadcast by saying "I'll hand it to the Episcopalians, they sure know how to throw a party!" I listened to the story thinking, "Huh, a gay bishop." I didn't really think about the Episcopal Church again until I went to a midnight Eucharist that laura was singing in. Her family had been attending All Saints' for at least three generations but this was the first time I remember talk of a specific denomination that she belonged to. That service hooked me. "Smells and bells" it's called; the incense and the bells are rung and the Episcopal church resembles the Roman Catholic church. The liturgy's formality, ritual, pipe organ, and hymns seemed to resonate with me. I started coming more often after that.

“Have you met Robert Berra? He is a budding theologian.” Jim Flowers said as he introduced me to two other people. Jim and many others are under the impression I might be going for a degree in Theology. Religious Studies has that reputation.
“Well, more of a social scientist with a deep theological leaning,” I said.

There are a few ways to learn about a denomination and my favorite is to look at their jokes about themselves. After the Christmas service and reception (with alcohol present, something unheard of at my old church), I went looking for episcopal humor.* I also started coming to All Saints' with Laura on Sundays and I was interested in where the church was in its beliefs. Sundays give a glimpse but it takes talking to the priests to see where the church is. The presence of Rev. Mary Robert (who is officiating our wedding) was a clue to the liberal theology in play. I started hearing the phrase “liberation theology” more often. All Saints' is committed to the idea of incarnation, of being the good in the world. In the Baptist Church I was told that Deeds did not get you into heaven, only faith. In the Episcopal Church, deeds are the outward expression of faith. After talking with Jim and Mary about some of the sticking points and rough spots of the entire Anglican communion, I decided to officially join the Church. Confirmation by the bishop came November 4th, on the celebration of All Saints' Day.

I have felt welcome there from the beginning, even though I'm typically shy about talking to people. Laura's grandparents introduce me to people frequently. Matt works at the same law firm my Mom does. Kathy was my supervisor while I student-taught at Murphy. While Mary will officiate the wedding, Jim offered to assist her saying that since it was me and Laura getting married it feels like family. Another part of the feeling of welcome that I get from All Saints' is that whenever I have wanted to talk about a theological matter, I have been able to go there and talk about it with either Jim or Mary (sometimes both). The best part is that I am not told what to believe; I am told where to look for answers. I leave meetings with names of authors and theologians and titles, not pronouncements. There is no pretension to absolute truth. Certainty is optional. “How boring would your life be if you knew everything?”

*Wherever you find three Episcopalians, you will find a fifth.

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So I was confirmed on November 4th, 2007 in Mobile, AL. It's a date that will stay with me forever (aided by the fact that it corresponds to All Saints' Day).

I got married at All Saints' on June 21st, 2008 to my wife, Laura. Within a month we were on the road to Arizona for me to start graduate school and for her to start teaching.
Before moving, I had started to look up churches in the area. We found St. Augustine's (St. A) first; I noticed that they were in charge of the Episcopal Campus Ministry at ASU and that seemed to be a good place to start. Laura and I now divide our time between St. Matthews in Chandler and St. Augustine's in Tempe on Sunday mornings while I go to various services held at St. A's on the weekdays. St. A's is a very welcoming community headed by Rev. Gil Stafford.

It used to be a joke that either myself or a friend of mine would join the priesthood. However, for about 6 months now, when I talk about it the conversation gets more serious. I've spoken to Laura about it. I've looked at the websites for the Episcopal seminaries. The most substantial step was telling Gil, Jim, and Mary. Gil talked to me on Wednesday about what the process for joining the priesthood looks like. Right now my goal is to become more involved in the parish, wait, and watch to see if I do indeed feel a calling. I'm going to use this space to try to coalesce my theology and my thoughts.